Why 50 Shades of Grey is shit

Warning: Strong profanity, graphic sexual dialogue, yadda yadda. Shouldn't be a shock.

50 Shades of Grey is a shitty book and now a shitty movie.

It's easy for me to laugh at 50 Shades of Grey with all of those lines about Ana's inner goddess, Christian cocking his head to one side, Ana biting her lip, oh and of course her anthropomorphic subconscious. Yeah, it's all pretty laughably bad stuff and we should all enjoy laughing at it together. I initially thought it was nothing more than a poorly written book read by horny housewives

Also, it would have been a better story if it was more like what the title implied

You all probably knew that. But what you probably didn't know is that it's more than just poorly written garbage. It's dangerous garbage. It's garbage that glorifies abusive relationships.

Now before anyone freaks out and assumes I'm judging alternative lifestyles, I'm not. People who know me well know that I'm a very strong believer in individual freedom. Secretary (more on that later) is one of my favorite movies and hell, I personally think being dominant is pretty damn fun, plus I've got several good friends in the lifestyle (all who agree the book is horrible). There's nothing wrong with BDSM and what consenting partners want to do to each other behind closed doors is their business. Emphasis on the word consenting which the book seems to be more than a bit iffy on. Hell, lots of the creepy and abusive stuff isn't even related to BDSM.

There are too many creepy moments to name them all so I'll start off with when Ana graduates college in Chapter 4 and parties with friends. She ends up drunk-dialing Christian, who at this point she's had a single coffee date with. He demands to know where she is but she refuses to specify beyond being at bar in Portland (he was looking for an exact location) and hangs up. He then calls her back, says he's coming to get her and goes from Seattle to fucking Portland to pick her up from this bar. How did he find her? He traced her fucking cell phone. Then he takes her back to his fucking hotel room instead of taking her home, even though they barely know each other at this point. But we're supposed to think he's a gentleman because he didn't try to have sex with her. Raise your expectations, people.

Christian seems to care about nobody but himself. And this goes beyond their sexual relationship. We've got such wonderful lines as "You need to learn to manage my expectations. I am not a patient man." The idea that it takes two shouldn't be far fetched but Christian seems to think that his needs and wants come above Ana's.

A lot of people have defended the relationship, explaining that Ana consented to everything because she signed a contract. First off, relationships, BDSM or otherwise, do not and should not require a goddamn contract. That's the stupidest shit I've ever heard. Secondly, that contract is garbage. People have insisted that she could walk away at any time if she really wanted to. Not true.

"The Dominant reserves the right to dismiss the submissive from his service at any time and for any reason. The submissive may request her release at any time, such request to be granted at the discretion of the dominant." 

So even if Ana wanted to leave, apparently all Christian has to do is say "no" and she's stuck with him. Yeah, in BDSM, the dominant is supposed to have the ILLUSION of control. The whole point is that the submissive has the actual control and can leave and stop whenever they goddamn well please. They don't need anyone's permission. Of course, Ana is completely uneducated on all of this but rather than educate her himself, Christian decides to direct her to a Wikipedia page. I'm not joking.

At one point, Christian spanks Ana hard after she rolls her eyes at him.

"How did you feel while I was hitting you and after?"
"I didn't like it. I'd rather you didn't do it again."
"You weren't meant to like it."

Once again, not accurate BDSM. First of all, the only reason you should spank your sub is because the two of you want to engage in some kinky fun, not because she rolled her eyes at you. Secondly, actually the sub is meant to like it. It's supposed to be a mutually enjoyable experience. The dom enjoys spanking the sub's ass, the sub enjoys having her ass spanked. Not a radical concept. Now if they were going to engage in a roleplay where she pretended she didn't like it but they both knew that she actually did, that'd be one thing. But this isn't a roleplay. Christian doesn't want Ana to enjoy it.

At one point, Christian takes Ana to his parents' house for dinner and Ana mentions going to Georgia for a few days to see her mother. Christian is very angry upon hearing this because he's a controlling asshole and apparently his S.O. seeing her mother is a huge deal to him. Okay, maybe she could have mentioned it earlier as a courtesy, but she certainly doesn't need his approval and he has no right to respond the way he does:

He narrows his eyes, and then seems to remember himself. Releasing my hand, he takes my elbow and leads me out of the room.
"This conversation is not over," he whispers threateningly as we enter the dining room."

Threateningly? Charming fellow.

During dinner, Christian discreetly caresses Ana's thigh from under the table but she responds by abruptly shifting her legs away from him. Certainly a normal response since his family is right there. But it makes him angry. After they go outside, he says he's going to spank her and then fuck her and this is how she responds.

"Please don't hit me," I whisper, pleading.
His brows furrows, his eyes widening. He blinks twice.
"I don't want you to spank me, not here, not now. Please don't."

A spanking in a BDSM relationship should not bring pleading and fear. If it does, then you have failed as a dom. Your sub should not be scared of you.

"This is mine, he whispers aggressively. "All mine. Do you understand?" He eases his fingers in and out as he gazes down at me, gauging my reaction, his eyes burning.
"Yes, yours," I breathe as my desire, hot and heavy, surges through my bloodstream, affecting... everything.

While it is common for the dominant to play games with the submissive, i.e. "Your pussy belongs to me now", it's all in the context of a roleplay. It's acting. The dominant knows that he doesn't actually own her pussy because the actual concept of owning someone else's body is fucking ridiculous. Yet good ol' Christian Grey doesn't seem to think of these concepts in the context of pretend roleplays. He thinks he actually owns Ana's body, which is both offensive and absurd. He doesn't respect her as a person.

He then proceeds to have rough sex with Ana (I'm not sure if I should call it sex), once again going through the abusive motions

“We don’t have long. This will be quick, and it’s for me, not you. Do you understand? Don’t come or I will spank you,” he says through clenched teeth.

Okay, so I understand that orgasm denial is a thing in BDSM and there are submissives that actually enjoy it. But it's a thing that occurs through clear communication. If Christian wanted to do some orgasm denial with Ana, he should have talked to her beforehand, be sure that she was cool with it, and then proceeded to do some kinky and rough orgasm denial sex. And in any kind of BDSM games, the submissive might pretend whatever is happening is a punishment, but it's not. As mentioned before, if a dominant is doing rough stuff with the submissive, the submissive should be just as turned on as the dominant. Christian doesn't seem to care about mutual enjoyment. But the context makes the scene even worse. It isn't even about BDSM. He's doing this to her because he's angry....because he's angry she's going to see her mom. He's punishing her for wanting to see her fucking mom. That's not kinky sex. That's abuse.

Oh and if that doesn't cross the line for you, maybe the part where Christian proves that he doesn't give any shit about consent will, also known as rape.

Okay, so Ana sends Christian an email saying she's not interested in furthering a relationship with him ("It's been nice knowing you") which apparently she sends as a joke, but Christian thinks it's serious. Unlike a normal person, who would either send a reply back or simply forget the whole thing, Christian decides to show up at her apartment uninvited (apparently the roommate let him in) and tries to talk her into rethinking what she said.

I glance around it, plotting an escape route, no – there’s still only the door or window. My room is functional but cozy – sparse white wicker furniture and a white iron double bed with a patchwork quilt, made by my mother when she was in her folksy American quilting phase. It’s all pale blue and cream.

Remember what I said about how your sub shouldn't be afraid of you. Here it is again. In any relationship, whether it have BDSM or not, your partner should never think about plotting a fucking escape route.

Christian does one decent thing in the novel at this point. Before tying Ana up, he asks her if she trusts him and doesn't tie her hands up until after she confirms that she does. But then he turns into an absolute creep. He starts undoing her sneakers and she freaks out because her feet smell bad.

"No", I protest, trying to kick him off.
He stops.
"If you struggle, I'll tie your feet too. If you make a noise, Anastasia, I will gag you. Keep quiet. Katherine is probably outside listening now."

And yeah, that's rape. I've heard people defend the scene saying that Ana wasn't trying to kick him off because she was opposed to having sex, she kicked him off because her feet smelled bad from running. And yes, that's true, but Christian doesn't know that. All he sees is a woman he's trying to have sex with protesting and saying "No" and he thinks the proper response is to threaten her. That's fucked up. And a "no" is a "no" regardless of the reason. If Ana doesn't want to take her shoes off because her feet smell bad, then he has no right to take her fucking shoes off. And it's not like they discussed safewords or anything so his immediate response to her saying "no" should have been to stop doing what he was doing and ensure that she felt okay. That's not rocket science.

So basically, instead of creating a relationship built on trust, mutual enjoyment, aftercare, and maybe some kinky sex roleplays, we're left with a story about a creep who stalks and abuses a naive young woman with low self-esteem which he attempts to justify by pretending he's just kinky. And those examples of Christian's creepiness I mention in this post, well those aren't even all of them. There are plenty more. There actually could have been an interesting story there. Like a story about a woman who achieves some kind of a sexual awakening through her kinky sex relationship and how these two awkward people who have been unable to open up are able to find something in each other. Oh wait this was already done in Secretary with Maggie Gyllenhaal and James Spader. The dominant guy is even named E. Edward GREY. I initially had some problems with the third act of the film but upon rewatching it and hearing some thoughts from others, I realized I may have been interpreting it incorrectly (save that for another blog post). Anyways, Secretary was a good film.

I can't speak on whether or not the movie is less creepy than the book so I won't say anything there, but considering the source material, I'm sure you can understand why I'm hesitant and have no intention of spending any money on it. All I'm saying is that the novel sucks and not just because it's poorly written but because of what it represents (abuse) and what it misrepresents (BDSM). It's not something I can just laugh off as a dumb story and move on.

Written by Alex Bauman